After almost six months of practicing yoga, I find that Savasana is one poise that can be accomplish with ease physically yet mentally would require a great amount of focus. All you need to do is to lie on your back with your heels together and toes apart, relaxed arms on the side and do nothing. Easy? Wrong! It doesn’t stop there. You have to fix your gaze on one spot on the ceiling, keep your eyes open (it’s what they call aware mediation), and prevent your mind from participating in any form of thoughts or worse... succumb to sleep.
It’s considered one of the most important poses in the Bikram series simply because it’s recovery time for the body and allows your body to repair any pain or damages caused by engaging in those pretzel forming poses. Quite advantageous for the not-so-flexible and knocking-on-mid-life individuals as myself. Definitely, not to be taken for granted.
“This pose is about letting go completely. Proper relaxation is essential for the health of our mind and body and for clarity of thought for making good choices. The obstacles to a good Savasana are sleep, boredom, mental agitation, and the ultimate obstacle: thinking you don't need Savasana anymore. Mental agitation and tension are obstacles that make us miss the point of life's journey.” - Brad Priddy’s Yoga Notebook
There’s wisdom in the words of Priddy relevant to finding deep stillness that can be applied to real life. Each difficult poise may be compared to an anxious feeling, situation, affliction or trial that all of us endure. Regardless of how uncomfortable a pose can be, one has to maintain calm breathing and keep her stillness. If you stop breathing, it becomes more difficult to hold the pose with ease and if you even blink.... you fall.
The Worry Wart vs. The Control Freak
For someone accustomed to having her way, I make sure that resources, solutions, are available at my disposal. Having had a husband who worries about everything and anything, this trait/skill came in handy especially when preventing marital conflicts to erupt.
After 8 years of marriage, it was a proven formula for us. Before Jerry goes into an episode of doomsday report, I have already addressed the situation by presenting to him how I was able to resolve issues on finances, household help disputes, and other domestic related concerns. After all, I was the homemaker and I knew exactly where to cut cost and how to maximize its yield. We were a good team.
When I first heard of Jerry’s cancer diagnosis, I was reduced to a state of shock. My mind completely went blank and refused to function. Until this very day, I still have no recollection as to how I ended up in the entrance of UST with no hand bag, money or driver’s license. I just headed off to the hospital. All sense of control was lost.
It was after awhile when my dad told me that I just called him and cried out hysterically on the phone. He could not make out a single thing I was saying and almost gave him a heart attack for fear that I might end up in an accident since I was the one driving to the hospital.
Super Widow Fallacy
It’s been 24 months, 3 weeks since Jerry was laid to rest. My role as a homemaker and mother has remained the same with more added features. In my previous life, I was a homemaker version 3.0. In the last 2 years, I was quickly upgraded to version 20.07. Every other month, the old model would be put on an end of life status, as I’m presented with new challenges and adventures that come with my ever changing roles.
I became the mother, father, provider, fund manager, counselor, administrator, guardian, Ms. Fixer-Upper, and the list goes on and on. A year of widowhood, made me deal with medical, legal, financial issues that would quickly gain me a Ph. D. in all 3 areas.
I was in a rush to make things all right with me and my children. Immediately after the 9th day, I embarked on a journey of recovery and order. Structure were very much the order of the day. Decided that a 10 month plan would suffice to restore what was taken from us and that on my own, I would be able to survive this. A conscious decision not to be the helpless widow was made and executed. Because I have children, breaking down was never an option.
My time was never my own. It was always about other people: children; house help; in-laws; business partners; clients; work; et al. My thoughts are always filled with schedules, business meetings, guardianship issues, deadlines, targets and what have you.
When I decided to give our house a facelift and renovate, I was nursing a 39 degree fever. Still, someone needed to supervise moving the children and our things to my grandmothers townhouse, directing where the workers should start doing their work. By the time, we were done it was almost 12 midnight and it was just then I realized, I ran out of my medication and had to drive myself to the nearest drugstore to replenish my supply.
Curse of the Young, Attractive, Capable Widow (Modesty Aside)
When confronted with a situation, the natural reaction is to PANIC. It’s a rarity to encounter people who can calmly accept difficult or undesirable news. Why panic? I notice that people resort to this reaction when they lose control and/or when they are consumed with fear. Perfect example.... how I initially responded upon hearing the news about Jerry’s cancer.
I’ve often been compared to other widows... A lot were impressed how “quickly” I’ve recovered. How I handled my loss with dignity and how I’ve managed to keep things together with “ease.” So they claim.
Unfortunately, not all people share the same view on my loss. What’s even more hurtful are the cruel and unfair judgement that people quickly pass to me because I appear to have recovered or simply look ‘good’ in spite of the tragedy of losing a loved one. Speculations and references to me being single again would be topics of conversation with malicious minds coming into play. What remains to be a mystery is how people find amusement in the misery of other people.
What these people do not realize is that I only allow them to see what I want them to see. They don’t realize that in spite of the facade, I’ve struggled through bouts of anger, desperation, panic, hysteria, depression, loneliness, and the like. I’ve been through moments when I’m left mindless, useless, and disabled. Difficult decisions needed to be made, securing the future were an urgent concern, making sure that the same opportunities are available to my children even though they have lost their father.
When I’m at this state, I totally lose it. I would often find myself calling up close friends in hysteria for circumstances that appear hopeless. Otherwise, I get impatient and take matters unto my own hands. Alas! I only end up getting more disappointed with its results, more broken than when I started. Sadly, I forgot to breathe.
Holding and Breathing Again
By now, I’ve established myself as a control freak. Feelings of entrapment/immobility never appealed to me. My anger became my ally. It taught me to keep myself from people who causes me sadness; turn my back from situations that no longer make me happy; push me out of the state of limbo, ensuring that I surpass all obstacles that block my road to recovery. Along the way, my controlling nature was struggling to break free and take hold on things.
Yet, amidst anxieties, conflicts, chaos, temperament, commotions, and emotional outbursts of family and friends, someone up their must really love me. He keeps me together inside and reassures me that He will take care of things. His presence comforts me. He is fullly in control and sees everything.
When situations become unbearable and options fade away, I have to break my own will, stop questioning, and start trusting. I stopped looking down and instead, learned to look up in prayer to ask for help. He enables me to make sound decisions and prevents me from making one when I’m deeply emotional. He constantly teaches me to master the art of waiting and reprimands me when I lean on my own understanding. I feel a certain peace that only comes from Him, especially when things just fall magically into place. Problems miraculously get resolved by itself without even giving it a single thought. Truly, all man made problems have solutions, it’s the one that God allows that would require letting go. I’ve fixed my gaze on Him and I’m breathing again.
In Savasana, I found my stillness, in stillness, I found my God. It’s in God, where peace, healing and miracles happen.
“Be still, and know that I am GOD.”
- Psalm 46:10, NIV
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